Valentines Day means demonstrating your love to that special someone, or if you’re Nick Jones, those special someones.
“It’s a pretty busy time of year for me,” Jones explained pridefully. “It takes a few weeks of careful preparation to get your ‘sarcastic’ love letters just right and find the perfect gift that combines the messages of ‘I desperately love you’ and ‘I’m totally OK with just being friends.’ Doing it four times really ups the ante.”
Mr. Jones is a junior in high school and has four Valentine’s Day dates with non-partners. We asked him to describe his plans with each woman.
- Angela: For a gift I commissioned a painting of her and her friend Todd riding a horse together. She always sketches this in her notebook. It must be somewhere warm because he never has a shirt on in the sketch!
- Pamela: I did her science fair project. She always mentions how smart I am and how cute I am when I help her out… talk about combining my best qualities! She’s been too busy to do it since she’s been at Derrick’s house every night this month helping him prepare for wrestling tryouts.
- Sandra: I wrote her a poem about how I’m not gay. She keeps telling her friends that I’m her gay best friend, so I think that clearing this up will really pave the way for us to start a physical relationship.
- Rita: I spent 4 months learning Photoshop so that I can help her edit some photos for her Tinder profile. She is headed to college this fall and says Tinder is how people meet new friends there!
When Mr. Jones is not hopelessly pursuing love, his favorite hobbies are stalking former crushes on Instagram and furiously masturbating.
When it comes to getting gifts in return, Nick said it’ll probably be another year of disappointment.
He added, “Their friendship is enough of a gift!”