WASHINGTON – Surgeon General Vice Adm. Jerome Adams announced this week that Americans should drink 8 cans of La Croix per day to maintain proper hydration.
“Our research shows that people who drink faux-European designer water are much healthier than the average lower-class American who suckles swill from the rusty tap like a filthy piglet from the teat of its mother,” Adams said in an interview. “At $3.38 per 8 can box, just $1,460 per year per member of your family, you can’t afford not to pay for an otherwise nearly free commodity.”
The sparkling water, famous for its ’90s charter bus seat-inspired packaging and distinct lack of flavor has gained recent popularity as the trendy beverage of choice.
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my La Croix,” lauded 19 year-old white girl, Madduhsynn Johnson, whose Instagram career bio reads “Social Media Influencer,” “dog mom,” and “Independent CEO” at three different pyramid schemes, with “fluent in sarcasm” added under special skills.
Despite Adams’ recommendation, surveys show that 93% of Americans would rather stick to traditional waters, many describing La Croix in such terms as “the ghost of juice,” “gentrified Fanta,” and “drinking water while someone yells the names of fruits from another room.”
At press time, the U.S. Public Health Service had modified its statement to indicate that all flavors of La Croix will actually cause rapid and irreversible butt cancer except for “Pamplemousse,” which contains the recipe for eternal youth.