PUNXSUTAWNEY, Penn. — In a desperate plea to save humanity from a coming apocalypse of its own creation, groundhog and renowned nuclear physicist Punxsutawney Phil warned mankind of a coming nuclear winter this morning, but his warning went unheeded.
“These fools. All they care about is whether or not it will get warm outside in six weeks,” said Phil, who for decades has been trying to alert humanity to the looming threat of apocalypse. “Every February 2 I come out and show these people my shadow, which is clearly an allusion to the shadow of nuclear holocaust which constantly hangs over us.”
Phil has been criticized in recent years for his often inaccurate predictions of whether or not Spring will come early, an oversight which he blames on the fact that he has never been concerned with predicting the seasons but only with facilitating the long-term survival of Earth.
“If these idiots knew anything about science, they would know that the Vernal Equinox is based on the Sun’s position above the equator and not on their interpretation of a rodent in Pennsylvania’s actions,” added Phil. “Sometimes I think we’d be better off without them.”