Scientists Warn Polar Vortex May Cause Thousands of Midwesterners to Become Canadians

polar vortex midwest

With temperatures dropping to record lows across the Midwest this week, scientists issued a warning to citizens that anyone living in the region is at an increased risk of becoming a Canadian.

“This is a worst case scenario,” said Dr. Martin Holveg, Ohio’s chief bioclimatologist. “If you find that you or your loved ones are inexplicably watching hockey, drinking Labatt Blue, or being friendly to strangers for no discernible reason, call a doctor immediately.”

Holveg says he first noticed the disease spreading when he heard a Cleveland woman hauntingly add the interjection “Eh?” to the end of a sentence.

“The Canadian Sickness may spread as far south as Kentucky if temperatures drop low enough. We’ve never before seen a Canadian at this low of a latitude,” added Holveg. “So my warning to all Americans is to stay inside, and do not allow your family members to consume maple syrup.”