Reeling at the thought of having a close biological relationship to the world’s most violent species, a local chimp claimed yesterday that he was disgusted that he shares 98% of his DNA with humans.
“There’s no way I’m related to those savages,” said the chimp. “Yeah, we both have opposable thumbs and use tools, but a similar genetic code? Absolutely not.”
Despite the chimp’s revulsion at the idea, scientists believe that chimpanzees, along with the closely-related bonobos, are the most genetically similar extant relative of Homo sapiens.
“Bonobos I can see, because those guys are dicks. But I’m not buying this whole ‘single common ancestor’ theory,” added the chimp. “If humans are so smart, then why haven’t they figured out how fun it is to throw your poop yet?”