WASHINGTON — As the federal government shutdown entered its 26th day on Wednesday, sources say local Internal Revenue Service employee Chip Goldman has begun auditing his fellow panhandlers “just to break up the monotony.”
“I noticed that Albino Joe who panhandles on the corner of U Street hadn’t payed his income tax in over 15 years,” said Goldman. “I estimate he makes about $15,000 a year begging, which as a single filer means he should be paying 12 percent in income tax. But that income doesn’t even account for the handjobs he gives behind the dumpster every weekend.”
Goldman admits that, although the laws governing taxes on the homeless are not his area of expertise, he has nonetheless made some significant progress.
“Snaggletooth Betsy tried to claim her entire income as a charitable donation, but I’m not buying it,” he said. “And there’s no way you can claim a 40-ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor as a medical deduction.”
The IRS on Tuesday ordered 36,000 employees to return to work without pay in preparation for tax season. While Goldman won’t be paid for his homeless auditing services, he said that doesn’t matter.
“I don’t do it for the pay. I do it because I love my job,” said Goldman. “Everybody deserves to pay taxes.”