Ringing in the New Year on Tuesday with a rejuvenated sense of purpose in life, a local man proclaimed that this would be the year he turns it all around, completely unaware that this would actually be the year that all human life on planet Earth would be extinguished.
“Yup, it’s time for a fresh start,” said 33-year-old Steve Hobbins, who less than six months from now will have his life, along with the lives of the rest of his species, tragically cut short by some sort of catastrophic incident. “I think I’ve really got my priorities straight this time.”
After multiple years of his life trending in the wrong direction both personally and professionally, Hobbins was completely ignorant of the fact that his newfound motivation to live right will be terminated before the year is up by a mass epidemic, natural disaster, alien invasion, or some combination thereof.
“I’m so proud of Steve, getting his life back on track,” said friend Cynthia Barnes, who, along with everyone she knows and loves, will perish in the very near future. “The past few years have been tough on him, but I think we’ve all got a lot to look forward to in 2019.”