With billions of Homo sapiens around the world gathering to observe the spectacle, Earth announced today that a milestone in its gravitational orbit around the star known as “Sun” will be celebrated in a festival hosted by TV personality Ryan Seacrest.
“Billions of revolutions and millions of extinctions and geological cycles have led us to this point, and there’s no more appropriate way to recognize it than through an evening of commentary by Mr. Seacrest,” said Earth. “Back in the day we would just have a meteorite shower or bunch of supervolcanoes exploding or something. But Ryan Seacrest and Jenny McCarthy are way more in line with what I had in mind.”
Earth added that performers Post Malone and New Kids on the Block would provide much more welcome entertainment than previous millennias’ fare of T. Rex “just mauling the hell out of a herd of Triceratops.”
“I feel that it’s my duty as an entertainer to honor the precise gravitational force between the Earth and the Sun that has allowed us to remain in the circumstellar habitable zone, sustaining the miracle of life for millions of years,” said Seacrest. “Now who’s ready to paaaarrrrtaay?!”
Previous generations have commemorated the event primarily by struggling to survive and pass on their genetic code, but McCarthy says her priority this year will be on “self-care” and “mindfulness.”
At press time, Earth announced that if it was unsatisfied with Seacrest’s hosting of this year’s event, it would probably just wipe out humanity and find a new species to take the lead next year.