Department of Essence Furloughs All Non-essential Oils

Department of Essence Furloughs All Non-essential Oils

As the government shutdown entered its seventh day on Friday, the U.S. Department of Essence announced that all oils, balms, and other aromatic liquids deemed “non-essential” would be furloughed until Congress passes a spending bill.

“While we appreciate the soothing scents and therapeutic odours provided by all oils in the D.O.E., until further notice only those oils deemed ‘essential’ shall report to work,” read a departmental memo. “And yes, Eucalyptus, that includes you.”

The memo went on to state that all the best essential oils such as Lemongrass, Chamomile and Ylang Ylang will continue to provide the American people with the critical fragrances they need to get them through the day. Many non-essential scents, however, are already experiencing olfactory disruptions.

“Our Musks Department is operating on a skeleton crew, with our Agarwood and Myrrh sections hit hardest. If this thing drags on until January, I’m afraid Sandalwood might be next,” said D.O.E Secretary Dan Lavender. “We’ve also had to cut back on Clary Sage, but I’m pretty sure that one doesn’t do shit anyway.”

Despite the difficult situation, Lavender is confident his best perfumes and incenses will continue to odorize the homes of Americans for as long as is needed.

“It’s important that our essential oils continue to hold the line against stress and foul energies while Congress comes up with a funding solution,” said Lavender. “Whether the government is shut down or not, all Americans have a God-given right to smell really nice.”