Deranged Child Gives Offering of Milk and Cookies to Pagan Forest God

Demented Child Gives Offering of Milk and Cookies to Pagan Forest God

Anticipating that the mysterious creature would leave him presents in exchange for an altar befitted with food and drink, a clearly deranged child left cookies and milk on his coffee table as an offering to a pagan forest god.

5-year-old Tommy Davis was apparently under the impression that the bearded mythological hunter spirit would break into his house in the middle of the night to bring rewards for the child’s good behavior over the course of the year.

“I bet if he really likes these cookies he’ll bring me a Spiderman toy!” said the unhinged apostate. “I even gave him gingerbread, and my mom says that’s his favorite!”

According to sources present at the family Christmas Eve party, Davis believes that the Germanic nightrider travels to the homes of all boys and girls whose actions were in keeping with the standards of his mystical sect, while he shuns those he deems to be naughty. The gifts he bears, Davis said, are produced by a clan of dwarves he enslaved in a remote northern sweatshop.

“Do you think he got my letter? I know he did,” said the heathen lunatic, naively thinking that mailing a letter addressed merely to “The North Pole” would somehow end up in the hands of a centuries-old hunter being. “I even left him some carrots for his reindeer, so I bet he’ll give me extra presents this year!”

At press time, the cloaked deity had bypassed Davis’s house, instead delivering a Nintendo Switch to a psychopathic neighbor who honored him with beer and pizza.

qwynide contributed reporting.