Scrambling to finalize their lineups Wednesday morning, sources say a number of NFL athletes missed practice this week preparing for the first round of Fantasy Desk Work playoffs.
Fantasy Desk Work, a game with growing popularity among professional athletes everywhere, allows players to draft the lineup of their dreams from a pool of mundane desk workers and mid-level managers throughout the corporate world.
“I got decimated mid-season when my top draft pick stopped producing. I went for an accountant with my 1st round pick and she went on PTO for 3 straight weeks! To top it off, my backup accountant got laid off the same week,” said Eli Manning, whose team “The CVS Receipts” barely made the playoffs at 8-5. “I spent pretty much my entire week scavenging the waiver wire, but my research paid off. I’d read resumes, look at mutual connections on LinkedIn, and even follow their social media looking for an edge.”
Manning’s Fantasy success had a price — he admitted his extensive research has affected his performance at work.
Dak Prescott’s team, the “Standing Desks,” leads the league with an 11-2 record heading into this week’s matchup.
“I play in a Point-Per-Smoke-Break (PPSB) league, so I couldn’t use most of the Fantasy research out there,” said Prescott. “Luckily, I focused heavily on unionized workers and government employees, and it paid off. Most of my league was attracted to the high PPSB upside of marketing Mad Men types. Meanwhile, my squad was chalking up double digit smoke breaks a day despite a strict 9-to-5 schedule.”
DeAndre Hopkins of Houston, TX, explained how company loyalty can create some interesting fantasy implications.
“I’m a die hard Exxon-Mobil guy. I even named my team the ‘Exxon ValDeez Nuts.’ But being too loyal will get you killed in Fantasy,” Hopkins said. “I had two Chevron dudes on my roster this year, and it was weird. Here I am rooting for Chevron’s lawyer in a courtroom overtime situation while wearing my Exxon polo.”
He added, “Felt dirty, but points are points.”