A stunning report revealed on Wednesday that the only reason Santa Claus can see you when you’re sleeping is because social media platform Facebook gave him access to the smartphones of millions of people worldwide.
A series of internal documents uncovered earlier this week details an elaborate system of dealings between Claus and the tech giant. These documents show that Claus not only knew when potential customers were sleeping or awake, but he used a complex machine learning algorithm to determine whether they had been naughty or nice based on minute-by-minute behavioral data gathered over the course of the previous year.
“With this capability, Claus was able to check his list not once, not twice, but up to four thousand times per day,” said a former Facebook employee who asked to remain anonymous due to his personal fear of being added to the naughty list. “We’re literally talking 24/7, the ever watchful eye of Santa Claus is collecting personal data on everyone without their consent.”
This is not the first time Facebook and Claus have come under fire for accessing users’ data without their consent. From 2011-2016 the “Silent Night” hacker, who gained back door access to thousands of phone cameras on Christmas Eve each year, was revealed to be a rogue elf formerly employed by Santa’s innovative toy incubator “SleighWerx.”
Despite the blowback against the North Pole and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, some customers have a brighter outlook on the situation.
“Yeah, it’s pretty creepy that Santa has been watching me this whole time,” said Facebook user Sheldon King. “But if he brings me the new Super Smash Bros. it was worth it.”
Falconetti and qwynide contributed reporting.