Caveman Won’t Shut Up About His Post-industrial Society Diet

Caveman Won't Shut Up About His Post-industrial Society Diet

Rambling on about the nutritional value of foods high in added sugars and trans fat, sources report a local caveman wouldn’t shut up about his diet, which is modeled on the eating habits of a post-industrial society.

“Man, once you go refined grains and processed meats you will NEVER go back,” said Drog. “And don’t even get me started on soda.”

According to fellow Paleolithic tribe members, Drog incessantly preaches to everyone gathered around the recently discovered phenomenon of fire that eating a diet high in genetically modified organisms (GMOs) is essential for both fitness and longevity.

“GMOs offer so much more variety and flavor than those boring non-genetically modified ‘natural’ foods you other cavemen are eating,” he said. “Like, seriously, wake up people. It’s 10,000 B.C., it’s not like we’re Neanderthals or something.”

Friends and family members say they are worried about Drog’s diet, as cavemen who have tried various diet fads in the past, such as the Amoeba Cleanse and vegetarianism, have all met with a quick death from malnutrition.

“I know he’s only trying to express himself, but there are other ways to do that without harming his body with all these experimental ‘agricultural products’ and ‘cooked food,'” said his wife Hrog. “I wish he would take up a healthier hobby like inventing written language or murdering anyone who approaches our cave.”

Despite his wife’s pleas, Drog refuses to abandon his 21st century developed nation diet.

“My body feels great,” he said. “If I keep eating like this, I bet I can live to 25.”    

Jake Slager contributed reporting.