BURLINGTON, VT — After ten years spent growing to maturity at Cal’s Christmas Tree Farm, a local balsam fir expressed hope that this would be the year that a nice family finds him, chooses him for their home, and subsequently ends his life.
“Since I was just a sapling, I have watched our elders sacrifice their lives to bring holiday cheer to the homes of American families,” said the evergreen conifer. “It is my greatest wish that this year, I too will be able to offer my mortal bark so that I may warm the hearth of the family that selects me.”
According to sociological arborists, being sawn in half at the base, strapped to the roof of a car in freezing temperatures, and displayed humiliatingly in a living room covered in tinsel and ornaments is the highest honor that can be bestowed upon an adult conifer, just behind being decorated with berries and ribbons and turned into a wreath.
“I watched teary-eyed as my father and his father before him were brutally ripped from their roots in a driving November snowstorm,” said the fir. “I know their deaths were not in vain, for the rich scent of their resin must have filled the air in some family’s home for at least a couple weeks.”
At press time, the tree was cut down and sold to a local hardware store, where it went unsold all season and was later ground into mulch.