Johnson & Johnson Introduces ‘Gentle Formula’ Tear Gas for Baby Rioters

Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Gentle Formula' Tear Gas for Baby Rioters

SAN DIEGO — With agents facing criticism after using tear gas to repel a crowd of migrants from the US-Mexico border, US Customs and Border Protection announced they have teamed with pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson to develop a new “Gentle Formula” Tear Gas for use against baby rioters.

“Our patented, soothing formula guarantees that baby rioters will experience no more tears than what is absolutely necessary to disperse them,” said spokesman Gene Spillow. “And it comes in a variety of fragrances, with subtle notes of jasmine and sandalwood that will leave your baby agitator crawling back home with a smile on his face.”

Despite the company’s efforts to create a more mild formula for infants, some critics say children should not be exposed to tear gas at all until at least the age of five.

“At that age, baby rioters should be dispersed using an all-natural formula of water and mineral oil. That chemicals designed for children ages three to seven were used on mere babies is an outrage,” said California Governor-elect Gavin Newsom. “This is not my America.”