LANSING, Mich. — Lying on the couch incapacitated this Thanksgiving, sources report that local man Todd Wellers was fluctuating back-and-forth between alcohol-induced and food-induced comatose states.
“He looked like he was just about to snap out of his Bud Light-induced coma, but the second he regained consciousness he stuffed a turkey leg and a handful of mashed potatoes into his mouth and went down again,” said Wellers’ nephew Steve. “He did, however, have enough time to strategically place a bottle of Sam Adams Winter Lager by his left hand for the next time he wakes up.”
A number of family members noted that, despite Wellers’ seeming lack of consciousness, he was able to spring briefly to life every time the Lions botched a play in their Thanksgiving game. Doctors say that Thanksgiving-induced comatose patients, even while apparently unaware of their surroundings, are able to sense interceptions thrown by their favorite football team.
“In addition to sensing upsetting moments in football games, we believe these types of comatose patients are also able to recognize intra-family political arguments which they could join and escalate to awkward levels,” said Dr. Kim Lowe. “I have seen numerous cases of patients miraculously recovering from a turkey-and-stuffing-coma solely to yell at relatives about immigration policies.”
At press time, after Wellers had awoken from his coma to argue about gun control, numerous relatives were seen injecting tryptophan straight into their blood streams to avoid the conversation.