ROCKVILLE, Md. — Local man Heath Barger, who earlier this week said that “we are living in a simulation,” is, in fact, living in his parents’ basement, sources confirmed.
“The evidence is everywhere,” said the 28-year-old, whose persistent lack of a job has given him time to ponder these types of questions. “Like these Bagel Bites my mom made us? They don’t even exist. They’re all just delicious ones and zeroes.”
While Barger insists there is abundant proof that our existence is merely the virtual product of hyper intelligent beings, after years of study researchers have concluded that his existence is a product merely of his parents’ stable income and waning patience.
“Heath was always a curious kid, and we love him for that,” said his father, Rick Barger. “But there’s nothing simulated about him drinking all of my goddam Bud Lights.”
Barger cites the fact that the universe seems to be based on mathematical laws as further evidence that it is a simulation, although he admits he is not himself familiar with any of these laws. Though he says he one day plans on paying his share of rent, for years he has shunned his father’s attempts to help him get a job.
“If the creators wanted me to have a job,” said Barger, “they would have programmed me to have one.”