Naive Candidates Resting Political Future on Florida’s Ability to Count

Naive Candidates Resting Political Futures on Florida's Ability to Count

TALLAHASSEE – As officials in Florida continued to recount votes for three races on Monday, candidates from each contest naively rested their political futures on Floridians’ ability to count.

“I’m confident that there are plenty of people on the election commission who have the ability to count to six, or maybe even seven,” said gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum. “And our computers are even better at counting. It’s just a matter of finding someone who knows how to use them.”

With the recount underway, many on the right have raised allegations of election mismanagement, even voter fraud.

“We counted over 30,000 ballots in Broward County that were clearly filled out by alligators,” said Governor and Senate candidate Rick Scott. “There are only 18,000 alligators registered to vote in Broward County, so there’s clearly something illegal going on behind the scenes.”

Also at issue is the fact that former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow has won as a write-in candidate for every single post in every year since the team’s BCS National Championship victory in 2009.

“If you discount the votes cast for Tebow and Pabst Blue Ribbon, we’re only looking at maybe a couple hundred votes per county. I think that’s well within our capability,” said election supervisor Ellen Cousins. “Go Gators!”

Falconetti contributed reporting.