HEAVEN — Explaining that He was “totally sick of everyone’s shit” and just didn’t want to hear it anymore, God announced yesterday that He would be offering free admission to Heaven to “anyone willing to just shut the fuck up already.”
“Oh my God, just give it a fucking rest, will you,” said the exasperated Creator, addressing the billions of self-obsessed humans He created. “Literally, I’m offering you all an eternal life of joy if you just give me five God damn minutes of peace and quiet.”
The Lord went on to say that He was willing to abandon His typical admission policies of a living a life of prayer and forgiveness if it meant He didn’t have to listen to your pathetic bitching for one more minute.
“Holy shit, you fucking people never shut up,” He went on. “I am literally an all-seeing, all-hearing, omnipotent being, and I haven’t seen or heard anything but your petty fucking moaning in months.”
At press time, after humans worldwide failed to shut their mouths, God reduced His requirements for admission to Heaven to “just throw a fucking Our Father in there every once in a while.”