A shocking report from Bloomberg revealed on Thursday that Chinese spies used an unusually small microchip to hack the computer servers of Applebee’s restaurants, stealing thousands of 2-for-1 Brisket Quesadillas coupons.
The report claims that over 30 American companies, including Apple and Amazon, could have been affected by the attack, but the impact on Applebee’s is by far the most consequential.
“An attack on a fine American institution such as Applebee’s is an attack on all Americans,” said President Donald Trump. “God only knows what damage could be done if they decide to attack Red Lobster.”
The finding has thrown Applebee’s headquarters into an uproar, as the company is now being hit with an unsustainable number of orders for the delectable appetizer.
“This could disrupt the world’s beef brisket and fresh pico de gallo supply chains for months,” said Applebee’s CEO Steve Joyce. “Their greed is unbounded. Who needs that much queso?”
On Friday, Applebee’s requested assistance from the U.S. military — whose own systems may have been compromised — to counter the covert Chinese operation. The National Guard has since deployed to hundreds of locations throughout the Midwest to cook brisket and mix chipotle lime salsa around the clock.
“This is the worst attack I’ve seen in nearly 30 years in uniform,” said Col. Mark Nethergate, currently commander of appetizer preparation at an Applebee’s in Aurora, Illinois. “It really makes me question their motive, because I’ve always been more of a Chicken Wanton Tacos guy, myself.”
At press time, investigators uncovered an internal memo from the People’s Liberation Army ordering their spies not to hack Ruby Tuesday because “that place actually kinda sucks.”