New ‘Medieval Serf Diet’ Recommends Eating Nothing But Stale Porridge Until You Die a Terrible Death at Age 32

New 'Medieval Serf Diet' Recommends Eating Nothing But Stale Porridge Until You Die a Terrible Death at Age 32

Citing the health benefits of a “back-to-basics” diet consisting of a single bowl of stale porridge per day, a recent study in the Journal of Nutrition recommended the all new “Medieval Serf Diet.”

Nutritionists say the diet is modeled on the hardy meals of rancid grains and absolutely nothing else that gave medieval peasants their famous sickly look and depressingly short lifespan.

“This diet, coupled with 16 to 18 hours per day spent toiling in the fields, can help anybody get that wiry, emaciated body they’ve been dreaming of,” said Dr. Hugo Welding, the lead scientist for the study. “For an added kick, you can even throw in a sprinkle of discarded clove if your liege approves of it.”

Although researchers are still working on modifications that may allow people to live past their 30s and not die a slow, horrible death from malnutrition, Welding believes the Medieval Serf Diet is superior to similar meal plans, such as the “Paleo” diet, in many ways.

“While the Medieval Serf Diet doesn’t guarantee the whopping 33-35 year lifespan of the Paleolithic diet, you are expected to avoid the traumatic, violent murder often associated with Paleo dieters, and still live to the ripe old age of 32,” said Welding. “Granted, those 32 years will be full of discomfort, hunger, and general misery, but nobody said life is supposed to be easy.”