ARLINGTON, Va. — Watching in horror as Supreme Court nominee Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee descended into chaos, local man Dominic Wheeler realized he was an ignorant fool for thinking his faith in American institutions couldn’t sink any lower.
“Man, I thought my faith in the United States government had hit rock bottom during the 2016 presidential race, only to be crushed again once allegations of Russian interference in the election came to light,” said the naive imbecile. “Then, I figured I couldn’t possibly think less of our government after remembering we’ve been fighting a bunch of directionless wars supported by both major political parties for nearly two decades, but boy was I wrong.”
The complete sucker went on to say that he thought he had finally reached a steady state of indiscriminate, simmering rage about the various social and political issues affecting the country, only to have it boil over after an FBI investigation into Kavanaugh’s case was ordered by President Donald Trump on Saturday.
“Regardless of what happens in Judge Kavanaugh’s hearing, I can say with a high degree of confidence that the American people will all lose, at least in some small way, and my faith in our country’s institutions will once again take a hit,” he added. “I now realize I was foolish ever to have thought otherwise.”