SEATTLE — After months of searching for steady employment to no avail, local millennial Tom Hampton stumbled upon a bold theory that just might help him land a job he loves.
The “butterfly effect,” taken from chaos theory, describes sensitive dependence on initial conditions, or the idea that a seemingly insignificant event like a butterfly flapping its wings in China can have large effects, such as helping a lazy, entitled millennial with a liberal arts degree land a well-paying office job with benefits and career stability. If chaos theory rings true, can the butterfly effect help Hampton get hired?
“Absolutely not,” said employers. “Butterfly or no butterfly, there is just no way in hell we are hiring him or any other slackers from his generation.”
Too bad. Although Hampton spent countless hours syncing up the hundreds of job applications he submitted to various companies as precisely as possible with the fluttering of butterflies’ wings in China, it looks like chaos theory doesn’t apply in his case.
“I developed an algorithm that predicts the second, third, and even seven-hundredth order of effects of every single butterfly in China and submitted job applications appropriately,” said Hampton. “But still, each time, my résumé automatically got thrown in the trash.”
Mathematicians say Hampton’s case, and the phenomenon of millennials being unable to land decent jobs in general, may offer new insights into the nature of chaos theory.
“Based on my calculations, it is impossible that a young college graduate living in a large city like Seattle is unable to land anything other than a part-time minimum wage job or a woefully underpaid freelance gig,” said mathematician Elias Garrett. “This case defies decades of work in chaos theory.”
Garrett added, “But to be honest, I probably wouldn’t hire him either.”