Family Excited to Welcome 7.5-pound Soul-Sucking Money Pit

Family Excited to Welcome 7.5-pound Soul-Sucking Money Pit

MADISON, Wisc. — Saying they couldn’t wait for the endless chain of misery that the onerous burden would rack upon their lives in the coming years, local couple Fred and Kara Burleson happily welcomed a 7.5-pound soul-sucking money pit into their family on Thursday.

“We’re just thrilled, because we were getting so tired of having the time and money to do the things we enjoy in life,” said Mrs. Burleson. “I never really liked sleeping, anyways.”

The couple said they had been itching for an exhausting strain on their previously happy relationship for months, and the addition of a perpetual crying and pooping machine was just what they needed.

“I can’t believe we lived in this peaceful and quiet house for so long without one. It was just miserable,” she added. “And my figure looked way too good before the pregnancy. I needed an extra 30-40 pounds around my midsection.”

Within hours of the horrible mistake’s delivery, the couple said it had already proved its worth by hitting them with a crippling $19,000 medical bill.

“Oh, thank God,” exclaimed a relieved Mr. Burleson. “I was really worried I’d be able to pay my mortgage this month.”