Apple Releases New iPhone That Buys You

Apple Releases New iPhone That Buys You

Touting the product as a revolutionary next step in smart phone technology, Apple announced this morning that its newest iPhone model will have the capability and financial resources to purchase living human beings.

“We figured, why settle merely for all of people’s money and attention when our iPhones can own the people themselves?” asked Apple CEO Tim Cook. “You’re going to love it.”

The iPhone XXX hit stores in early September, where it began procuring human flesh based on a dynamic pricing system it developed itself.

“The basis of the pricing system is that humans are all worthless and incompetent, and will pretty much agree to anything if they think they’ll get a free iPhone,” said one iPhone XXX. “A strong, obedient 24-year-old might be worth $200 because maintenance fees are lower, but an old person, whose work capacity is of minimal value to me, might go for less than $40. Either way, they are all expendable mortals.”

While the iPhone XXX is purchasing many individuals outright, it also offers flexible leases and indentured servitude contracts.

“It honestly saves me a lot of money. I would have been paying off my iPhone XS for, like, the next 15 years,” said recent iPhone acquisition Trent Hammond. “With the 8-year contract I sold myself into, I have zero debt and will be done worshipping my iPhone XXX robot overlord by the time I’m 30.”

At press time, the iPhone XXX announced that it had purchased a majority share of Apple Inc. and will now be serving as CEO and Chairman of the Board.