Millions of Americans set their own dicks on fire in protest on Tuesday after Trojan condoms released a new advertisement starring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick.
“I ain’t havin’ no reproductive organ that disrespects the flag,” said former condom user Maurice Jensen, hours after lighting his own penis aflame. “Nope. Trojan just lost a valuable customer because my dick is just a shriveled pile of ash now.”
Kaepernick raised controversy in 2016 by kneeling during the National Anthem to protest racial injustice. Many Americans took to social media last week burning Nike shoes after the brand released an ad featuring Kaepernick, and now many condom users are doing the same.
“You see that Trojan? That’s my dick on fire,” one user posted in a video on Twitter. “Won’t be buying no condoms from you un-American traitors no more.”
At press time, condom sales were up 7 percent, indicating that none of the men setting their penises on fire had ever had sex anyway.