THE VATICAN — Following a Pennsylvania grand jury report that exposed decades of sexual abuse by priests and cover-ups by bishops, the Vatican has assured Catholics around the world that the offenders have atoned for their sins by saying “a whole bunch” of Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.
“Let me assure you, all of these priests have confessed their sins and are paying the consequences,” announced Pope Francis. “These guys will be saying Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers for days. I even made some of them say the ‘Nicene Creed,’ and that shit is long as hell.”
The Pope also noted that all of the accused priests have professed their sins through a formal ‘Act of Contrition,’ and that he has already settled a plea deal with God to allow them to continue serving in the priesthood once their sentence is up.
“We don’t want people to think that we just let our clergy commit heinous crimes without having to go through a significant portion of the Rosary after,” he said. “It’s not like we’re Protestants or something.”
Additionally, the Holy See says it plans to absolve any future abusive priests of their crimes “just to be safe.”
Pope Francis added, “Luckily, this is an isolated incident.”