As two NFL teams get set to feature the league’s first-ever male dancers, sources say the cheerleaders have outperformed Tom Brady on holistic tests of speed, strength, and athleticism.
“We ran our prospective male cheerleaders through the NFL Combine, and what became immediately clear was that they are all stronger, faster, and more athletic than Tom Brady,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “They also look way cuter in uniform.”
Males have served on NFL teams’ stunt squads for years, but this season marks the first time they will serve on dance squads, with two men performing with the Los Angeles Rams and one with the New Orleans Saints.
Concerned that the combine was judged unfairly, Patriots coach Bill Belichick petitioned the NFL to run a separate competition to show that his star quarterback is, in fact, athletic. In a series of contests which included a 5k run, the giant slalom, and an ancient Greek-style pankration match, the cheerleaders went undefeated against the five-time Super Bowl champion.
“I mean Brady’s muscles are just so loose and flabby. I don’t even know how this guy is still in the league,” said Goodell in a press conference. “These dancers, on the other, they’re lookin’ tight, tight, tight.”
Goodell would not reveal whether plans to add female offensive lineman next season were still on the table.
“Well, one thing’s for sure,” he added, “they can all kick Brady’s weak ass.”