Cowering in fear at the mere thought of the proteins found in various grains, a descendant of Alexander the Great — one of the most renowned conquerors in the history of civilization — stated that he was utterly afraid of gluten.
“Oh. My. Gosh. Keep that asiago bagel away from me,” said Kevin French, whose ancestor on numerous occasions charged headlong into enemy phalanxes on his warhorse Bucephalus. “Just the scent of that hideous gluten-bomb is making me nauseous.”
Though French, the progeny of the warrior who through shear force and perseverance built one of the largest empires in the history of man, has not been diagnosed with a gluten insensitivity, he says just the thought of eating baked goods made with anything other than plantain flour and arrowroot starch prevents him from sleeping at night and gives him intolerable arthritis.
“I once ate at a restaurant that accidentally rolled my tapioca and potato flour gluten-free pizza on a cutting board that had been used for regular pizza,” said French trembling in horror, unaware that his progenitor had personally slain hundreds of men in the heat of battle. “Afterwards, I had headaches for months.”
At press time, French, whose forebear was nearly undefeated in combat as he campaigned across most of the known world, had walked out of a restaurant after becoming aware of the kitchen’s widespread use of barley and oats.