Forget ‘Trump Anxiety Disorder,’ This 115-Year-Old Suffers from ‘William Howard Taft Anxiety Disorder’

Forget 'Trump Anxiety Disorder,' This 115-Year-Old Suffers from 'William Howard Taft Anxiety Disorder'

As mental health professionals increasingly diagnose patients with a condition being called “Trump Anxiety Disorder,” 115-year-old Greta Spoonmaker spoke to the press about her century-long bout with “William Howard Taft Anxiety Disorder.”

The rare illness stems from stress relating to the incumbency of 27th President of the United States William Howard Taft, who held the office from 1909-1913. Doctors say common symptoms are a feeling of impending doom and a sense that Taft’s dollar diplomacy policies towards Latin America and the recent invention of advanced technologies like the stenotype machine and vacuum cleaner will cause the world to end.

“I remember lying awake at night in horror thinking about the consequences of the Ballinger-Pinchot Affair of 1909,” said Spoonmaker. “I still have nightmares about it.”

Spoonmaker added that the constant controversy surrounding the Sherman Antitrust Act and the impacts the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act had on print paper imports nearly drove her mad.

“I was but a child at the time, but I vividly recall my mother trembling in fear every night after Taft appointed Horace H. Lurton as a Supreme Court justice,” said Spoonmaker. “And he didn’t stop there. He went on to appoint six justices to the Supreme Court. No one should have that much power.”

At press time, Spoonmaker had slipped into a coma after observing a likeness of Taft’s mustache on a local hipster.

A version of this article, written by a Schmedium contributor, subsequently appeared in the Las Vegas Review Journal.