Alcoholic On StairMaster Struggling To Reach 12th Step

Alcoholic on StairMaster struggling to reach 12th step

SAN DIEGO— Despite proclaiming that “today is definitely the day,” sources are reporting that recovering alcoholic and compulsive overeater Rick Muskova is still struggling to reach his goal of getting to the 12th step on a StairMaster machine while participating in his thrice-weekly exercise routine at the local 24 Hour Fitness.

“I really thought today would be it, but—hoo boy— I’m really sucking wind here,” said the profusely sweating, 318 lb. Muskova, who took up exercise as a replacement for drinking after getting his third DUI—and subsequently giving up alcohol for life—last Saturday.

“Each one of these steps I climb is symbolic of the 12 steps to recovery, so right now I’m just taking a little breather here on the fifth step,” the 41-year-old aluminum siding salesman remarked, after having put the machine on pause to catch his breath and adjust his court-ordered ankle monitor. “The fifth step is where I’m supposed to reflect on asking God to remove all the defects of my character, or something like that. (I really don’t know, to be honest; it’s a lot to memorize.) BUT, I’m gonna keep doing my best to make it to 12, because I made a promise to God.”

At press time, Muskova had reportedly quit the StairMaster after failing to reach the ninth step, opting instead to go get a Bloody Mary at the Westin hotel bar down the street.