Light Breeze Hospitalizes Entire French Soccer Team

Light Breeze Hospitalizes Entire French Soccer Team

MOSCOW — A light breeze gently wafted through Luzhniki Stadium Sunday and hospitalized the entire French World Cup soccer team, sources say.

The mild two mile-per-hour gusts tore through France’s World Cup Final against Croatia, crippling players on both sides and forcing a no contest.

“I just pushed my team too far this time. A couple guys suffered brutal finger brushes to the shoulder in our pool match against Denmark, and I shouldn’t have let them play,” said French head coach Didier Deschamps. “Lucas Hernandez was still nursing an injury from when an Australian player looked at him angrily in game one, and I should’ve known better than to put him back on the field so soon.”

The 2018 World Cup has seen some of the most flagrant penalties in history, with players from both Brazil and Portugal suffering near-fatal grabs to the back of their jerseys. No penalty, however, has been so gruesome and devastating as the pleasant draft that ripped apart the French squad like butter.

“It was chaos. Pure carnage,” said France’s captain Hugo Lloris. “Surely the referee will give us at least three penalty kicks for this.”

At press time, sources in Paris reported the French military had laid down their arms and surrendered to the breeze.