New Dockless Bikes and Scooters a ‘Total Fucking Nuisance,’ Says Man on Harley Who Just Set Off Three Car Alarms

Dockless bikes, dockless bicycles

SAN DIEGO— Showing frustration with the hundreds of dockless bicycles and scooters that have been strewn about downtown San Diego sidewalks since last February, one local man has labeled the two-wheeled means of conveyance as “a total fucking nuisance” while setting off three car alarms within 15 seconds from atop his 2015 Harley-Davidson Heritage Softail.

“These ‘smart bikes’ and scooters just showed up out of nowhere like a goddamned plague of quinoa-fueled locusts straight from Planet Hipster, and they’re a total fucking nuisance to the downtown area,” said 66-year-old Alfie Rayford, a retired city government timecard adjuster and self-professed “Harley fanboy.”

“For starters, there’s just too damn many of them around, and having the bikes littered all over the sidewalks is really annoying because it reduces the quality of life for people trying to walk about downtown,” Rayford remarked, as he loudly-revved his Harley’s throttle at the intersection of 5th and Market Streets, causing two additional alarms to go off, as well as one toddler to start wailing in fearful screams from its stroller.

“Secondly, the hippies and hobos riding those things are completely reckless, and they have no respect for the rules of the road,” said Rayford, as he narrowly split through two lanes of thick traffic on the eastbound I-94 at roughly four-times the speed of other vehicles, startling one woman in a Honda Civic into rear-ending the Nissan Sentra in front of her. “I mean, really, whatever happened to being decent and self-aware enough not to piss other people off?”

At press time, Rayford was spotted arguing with a traffic enforcement officer after having been cited for leaving his Harley in a disabled parking space outside the Denny’s in La Mesa.