Allaying fears that migrant children separated from their families at the border were facing harsh conditions, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reassured the American people on Monday that only the children who misbehaved would be fed to crocodiles.
“These children are receiving the best treatment from law enforcement personnel. I personally guarantee that none of the children who listen and obey the rules will be tossed into a pool of ravenous crocodiles,” said Sessions. “That’s only for the bad ones.”
Sessions went on to clarify that, of all the children separated from their families along the US-Mexico border in recent months, only “one or two bad eggs” are thrown into a pit of hungry crocodiles each week.
“I mean, the crocodiles need to eat, but it’s not like we’re just going to throw any innocent child in there,” said Sessions, noting that the Obama administration’s policy of dunking all overweight children into a tank of voracious tiger sharks was much more brutal. “We should really be worried what will happen when we run out of migrants and the crocodiles start coming after us.”