RUSSIA — A new report issued by FIFA has revealed that every goal in the 2018 World Cup will be scored during the two or three seconds that you are looking away from the TV.
The comprehensive study shows that, while just about nothing happens for at least 89 minutes of every 90-minute game, the likelihood of a goal occurring increases 600 percent every time you briefly glance in the other direction.
“It doesn’t matter whether you quickly look down at your phone to read a text message or turn around to ask your friend to get you another beer while he’s in the kitchen, it is statistically guaranteed that all goals will happen during this time,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “While we greatly appreciate our millions of fans watching around the world, we hope that you will take it upon yourself to glance away from the TV screen more often to help make these games more exciting.”
At press time, FIFA announced that the greatest goal of all time was scored during the one minute and ten seconds it took you to read this article.