SEATTLE – Crossfit athlete and self-styled fitness guru Jim Witowski was pronounced dead at a local hospital yesterday after suffering a fatal injury to his man bun.
Witnesses report that Witowski was attempting to break his personal record of 300 overhead squats in under one hour.
“He was really going for it,” said Jane Buford, a fellow Crossfitter. “He really had a lot of momentum. Not really much form or regard for his own safety, but he was definitely going to get the arbitrary number of reps he wanted.”
Box owner Matt McMasters described the bloody scene. “Jim was cranking out squats, grunting and screaming between reps just like I taught him. I guess he lost his grip while he was down in the hole, and all 95 pounds came crashing down right on his man bun. It must’ve ripped his scalp right off. I tried to soak up the blood with lifting chalk, but there was so much.”
Witowski was rushed to the emergency room via ambulance, where he was pronounced dead on arrival.
“There was nothing we could have done for him,” said the physician in the emergency department. “I’ve seen some pretty brutal Crossfit injuries in my time, but nothing like this.”
Close friends of Witowski reported that his hair was his “essence” and “best quality,” and that “he wouldn’t have wanted to go on living without it anyway.”