HEAVEN — Going back and forth as to which method he should use to completely extinguish life on Earth, sources say God was considering using hyenas to carry out the next apocalypse.
“I just think the whole Antichrist thing is kinda played out. And floods are so 7,000 years ago,” said the Lord, noting that he had almost completely eliminated life as we know it by that method at least twice in the past. “This time around I want to do something a little edgier.”
God went on to add that hyenas offer the perfect balance of pestilence, war, famine, and death that he looks for in a quality End Times.
“Nobody has time to wait around for the ‘Seven Seals’ anymore. Not in this economy,” said the Creator, who admitted he would rather use his one day off a week to play tennis. “Hyenas, on the other hand, you just let ’em loose and they do all the work.”
Some in Heaven are worried that the shear brutality of the coming Rapture will lose God a lot of popular support among Christian millennials.
“Oh, I don’t care about them,” he said. “I’m going straight up Old Testament fire and brimstone, blood and guts God on this one whether they like it or not.”
Despite God’s insistence on using hyenas, a few angels have tried to convince him to use locusts or a couple horsemen to maintain at least some biblical authenticity.
Added God, “Locusts? Eww, gross.”