Sources say local necrophiliac Mordecai Lemmingswood suffers from a condition know as mourning wood every time he attends a wake or funeral service.
The rare affliction, which is hardly present in the medical literature, causes his penis to become turgidly erect at the mere site of a deceased corpse in an open casket, and it is only exacerbated by the woeful lamentations of grieving loved ones.
“Something about the sight of lifelong family and friends paying their condolences to a weeping widow or widower just makes me nuts,” said Lemmingswood while attending services for recently-deceased 82-year-old Barbara Little. “And the body, these morticians nowadays are virtuosos — the perfect application of beige foundation, the faint, sweet scent of embalming fluid, the.. uhhh, uhhh, oh God!”
Lemmingswood says he first became aware of his condition as a young man, when his cock became stiff as a coffin nail while watching a documentary on ancient Egyptian burial practices. Since then, he says his mourning wood has grown worse — the shed of a single tear by a child who has just realized he will grow up fatherless causes him to erupt in an orgasmic pandemonium.
“It’s not that I want to be this way. I don’t want to get rock hard every time a father gives a heartfelt funeral oration about how he wishes he’d gotten to know his son better while he was still alive. I don’t want to blow my load every time a drunken aunt has an emotional breakdown at the reception,” said Lemmingswood. “But, my God, it’s just so hot.”
While Lemmingswood’s own family and friends were supportive of his disorder early on, often letting him take a floral arrangement into a private room at the funeral home to furiously masturbate to, they have since banned him from attending any but the happiest and most upbeat events.
“We can’t even bring him to our Memorial Day barbecues because the sad thought of all the troops who have died will make him cum like a lunatic,” said his brother Timothy. “And don’t even get me started on Good Friday.”