In an effort to stay in touch with shifting consumer demographics, paper towel company Brawny has released new “self-absorbing millennial” paper towels.
According to the company, the new product is catered specifically to millennial behavior and is so self-absorbent that it is incapable of cleaning up anything but itself.
“This is by far the most narcissistic generation of paper towels on the market,” said Brawny spokesman Blake Ericsson. “You’d be hard pressed to find one of these so much as looking at someone else’s mess let alone wiping it up.”
Retailers say the groundbreaking product is so entitled that just hours after hitting the shelves it demanded safe spaces be established in both the kitchen products and toiletries aisles.
While Brawny is hopeful the products we be successful among millennials, older customers are already complaining that the towels are far too weak and undependable to be used for any sort of real job.
“These things are so flaky,” complained World War II veteran John Farrell. “They literally crumbled apart when I told them they had to either move out or start paying rent.”
At press time, toilet paper maker Charmin announced it will be releasing “condescending ass wipes” to corner the Baby Boomer market.