NEW YORK — Blithely ordering a venti latte from Starbucks this morning, local man and complete nincompoop Chad Bartwick just stood there as if the barista weren’t contemplating throwing the scalding hot cup of liquid into his ignorant face.
“The fucking loon has no idea the type of power I hold over him right now,” said barista Mario Lansdowne, his hand shaking from the rush of adrenaline as he imagined destroying the oblivious customer’s face with a searing jolt of pumpkin spice. “I swear to God, if he makes one wrong move.”
Witnesses say Bartwick naively placed his order as if he were unaware that Lansdowne was having a bad day because his girlfriend Jessie had just broken up with him and he was at the end of his leash and could just fucking snap any second.
“Aww, fuck. I could just fucking wreck this idiot’s day right now,” thought Lansdowne as he imagined choking the innocent customer to death with half a dozen egg white and red pepper sous vide egg bites that he and Jessie always used to order on Saturday mornings. “Just look at him. He thinks he’s so perfect because he probably has a happy relationship and someone to share caramel macchiatos with. Fuck him.”
At press time, Lansdowne was contemplating drowning the feckless patron in a vat of blonde roast while accusing him of hooking up with Jessie behind his back.