Environmentalist Treats Self to Extra CO2 Emission for Birthday

Environmentalist Treats Self to Extra CO2 Emission for Birthday

After a year’s worth of green habits culminated Sunday for Earth Day, environmental activist Sandra Gerhart decided she would treat herself to an extra carbon dioxide emission for her birthday on Monday.

“It’s a guilty pleasure, but I’m usually really strict about my carbon footprint,” she said, spraying two cans of aerosols into the mouth of an endangered sea turtle. “It feels good to let loose and just totally fuck up the environment for one day a year.”

The practice of letting their hair down on ecological issues once in a while has become common among environmentalists who are losing what is clearly a hopeless battle against the forward march of mankind. Just last month, botanists from the University of California took to the forests to fell acres of Giant Sequoias after a particularly stressful year of nature preservation.

Conservationists and volunteers have defended the practice, noting how catching a bottlenose dolphin’s snout in a set of plastic six-pack rings can really help reset their minds for the year ahead.

“My wife and I are totally splurging on a well poisoning for our anniversary. I think it will be really good for us in the long run,” said Doctors Without Borders volunteer Jeff Grenier. “Heck, I might even kill a few orphans.”