After technical difficulties forced the agency to extend the country’s tax deadline by a day, a frantic Internal Revenue Service rushed to reassure Americans that their tax dollars would still be put to no use whatsoever.
“Regardless of whether they’re getting anything back on their tax returns or not, the American people can rest easy knowing that their hard-earned money is guaranteed to be used for absolutely nothing of even the remotest value,” said acting IRS commissioner David Kautter. “You have my word on that.”
Despite initial fears that they might not in fact be able to pay their taxes this year due to the system’s malfunction, citizens who owed money to the IRS expressed relief upon learning they would be allowed one extra day to give the government their cash.
“Whew. I was worried this money might get wasted on something silly like paying for my children’s health and education,” said Maryland resident David Lafferty. “But as usual, the government came through when it mattered.”