Facebook Issues Data Breach Apology Tailored to Each User’s Psychological Profile

Facebook Says It Would Have Just Given Hacker 50 Million Users' Personal Info If They Asked Politely

Following the discovery that millions of people’s private information was unwillingly shared with political consulting firm Cambridge Analytica, Facebook has released a custom apology to each individual user based on extensive personal and psychological data.

“We dug deep into our users’ forgiveness preferences and had over a dozen different agencies analyze the data. This helped us craft the perfect apology for every single user,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. “Do they prefer a formal or informal apology? Do they prefer it via email or message? Are they more likely to vote Democrat after receiving an apology?”

To get the perfect tone for the apology, Zuckerberg says Facebook even recorded users receiving in-person apologies from friends to observe how they react.

“We guarantee that you’ll accept our apology because we’ve gathered every imaginable bit of information about you to ensure that it’s perfect,” said Zuckerberg. “Each one will also come with a ten percent off coupon for those shoes you’ve been looking at recently.”

Facebook also announced it would be preemptively apologizing for all future data breaches you will eventually discover it has been allowing all along.