New ‘Cryptofood’ Provides Theoretical Calories, Illusion of Sustenance


Following the mass market success of cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin in recent months, one entrepreneur has developed a revolutionary new health product. ‘Cryptofood’ theoretically provides all of the calories and nutrition of regular food, or ‘old food’ as enthusiasts call it, without any of the side effects of actually eating.

“I’ve eaten over ten thousand hypothetical lobsters in the past week,” said Cheryl DeGrasse, who has lost 37 pounds since moving to a cryptofood-only diet three days ago. “I’ll never go back to old food.”

Cryptofood creator Lance Stuppard claims it will change the way people think about eating. With cryptofood, he says, consumers aren’t limited by the caloric intake restraints of the human body.

“One person can ingest a decade’s worth of notional calories in a day, or even an hour. You don’t have to worry whether it’s backed by physiology or other old people things like that, because I’m telling you it is,” says Stuppard. “Just now I ate an entire conceptual wild boar, and I’m not even full!”

As cryptofood sweeps the country, more and more Americans are emptying their cupboards to make way for the future.  At its high point last week, a single serving of cryptofood provided over 200 grams of protein-like nothings.

But some experts recommend against moving to a strict cryptofood diet without consulting a doctor.

“No more than twenty-five to thirty percent of your diet should come from cryptofood and other imaginary sources,” says FDA dietician Brian Gertstein. “In accordance with FDA guidelines, most people should still try to get the majority of their calories from soda, corn syrup, and light beer.”

Mike the Janitor contributed to this article.