Taking the lead from retailers like Kroger and Dick’s that have raised the minimum age for buying firearms, a number of fast food restaurants have announced that they will stop serving heart disease to people under 21 years old.
“Americans under 21 clearly aren’t mature enough not to stuff their fat fucking faces with 3,000 calories of grease multiple times a day,” read a statement from the country’s leading food chains. “So we’re going to unstuff their pathetic faces for them.”
Following the announcement, many soft drink companies have followed suit. Both Pepsi and Coca-Cola have said they will stop serving diabetes to any Americans who cannot pass a background check.
“It’s the least we could do for the health of our citizens,” read a joint press release from the two beverage corporations. “The average adult only needs five or six cans of soda per day, max.”
In order to fill their menu and keep customers happy, most fast food chains will now serve AR-15s in place of cheeseburgers.
The statement concluded, “For the sake of our children, we encourage school cafeterias to do the same.”