If Aliens Don’t Exist, Then Who Keeps Making Me Stick Probes Up My Ass?

If Aliens Don't Exist, Then Who Keeps Making Me Stick Probes Up My Ass?

Conspiracy theory?! More like the truth!

For decades alien hunters like me have been questioning the government on the existence of extraterrestrial life. Still, they say there is no “proof.” They say that Area 51 only does “military testing.” They say the underground aluminum cave that I live in to keep telekinetic space waves from penetrating my thoughts is “crazy.”

Well if I’m crazy, and aliens don’t exist, then just who keeps making me stick probes up my ass?

I demand to know!

I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to plunge 12-inch surgical instruments into my own anus repeatedly. Clearly some hyper-intelligent life form has been controlling my brain and forcing me to stick all types of objects into my rectum at odd hours of the day. I can’t eat or sleep without thinking of the next time they’ll make me stuff something into my own rear end.

Not even my seven layer tin foil hat can block their perverted aura. These same depraved aliens made me go to a male strip club and get a lap dance. From a guy.

Gross! 

What’s next, forcing me to go down on some stranger in an alley behind the 7/11? Oh wait, they already made me do that, too! The worst part is, their mind control powers are so strong that they actually make me enjoy it. It’s disgusting.

This goes all the way to the top. Is the CIA in on it? The FBI? The President himself might be in collusion with these beings that are making me slip devices into and out of my butt for hours on end.

What is the government trying to hide?!

Do you even know how sore my ass is?!

It’s time the government fesses up about this. Aliens are out there, and I have the bloody butthole to prove it.