MOBILE, Ala. – Internet conspiracy theorist DontTreadOnMe_1776, also known as Craig, is quite literally too woke to fall asleep, sources say.
“To help me sleep better, my doctor suggested cutting out the late night RC Cola,” said the 42 year-old part-time cryptozoologist who spends most of his day arguing with strangers on the internet.
Reports indicate that he was given melatonin to help him sleep, but didn’t trust it because of “Obamacare mind-control nanobots.”
“That’s when I decided to start counting sheeple,” Craig stated. “Blind in their simpleton ignorance of the daily barrage of chemtrails and vaccines inflicted upon them by the same government that faked a moon landing and did 9/11, run by alien lizard people from the flat-earth Disney Corporation.”
“How I pity them,” he added, drifting peacefully off to sleep after counting just a half-dozen docile lemmings.