College Park, MD — In what can only be called a scientific breakthrough, local college student Brian Spillane is being hailed as the “chosen one” after correctly inserting a USB cord into his computer on the first try.
“I’m at a loss for words,” said Spillane. “I’ve tried this at least a thousand times and never gotten it right. I feel how King Arthur must have felt when he pulled the sword from the stone.”
The watershed event occurred yesterday around lunchtime at a Starbucks on the University of Maryland campus. Spillane was settling into his chair with his chai latte to study economics when he plugged his iPhone into his laptop.
“It just slid in effortlessly,” said Spillane with mist in his eyes. “I didn’t have to flip it, or twist it, or curse its existence. It just snapped in…one shot one kill.”
He wasn’t the only one in awe. Top mathematicians from MIT, Stanford, and the CIA descended upon Maryland’s campus to study this rare event.
“You might think there is a fifty-fifty chance of inserting the USB correctly, but it is really more like one in a hundred trillion,” said Dr. Rachel Cook, the lead researcher for the project. “Through a rare magnetic vortex, the USB cables interact with the central nervous system in the human body causing the plug to invert mysteriously before insertion. That’s why it never fits the first time.”
Spillane believes it was more than just science.
“Dude, definitely divine intervention,” he said. “As soon as I plugged it in, I heard a heavenly sound. I thought it was Starbuck’s background music, but then, no-shit, behind the cappuccino machine I saw angels singing the Hallelujah chorus from Handel’s Messiah. It was a transcendent moment that I will never forget.”
“This is the greatest underdog story since the 1980 U.S. Men’s Hockey team beating the Soviets,” said sportscaster Al Michaels, broadcasting from the Winter Olympics in South Korea. “It’s the Miracle on Iced Latte!”