Deciding “enough is enough” regarding the country’s mounting student loan debt problem, Congress has passed a bill authorizing colleges to provide education-free debt to all American students.
“We can finally provide students a lifetime of solid debt without the hassle of a four year degree,” said Richard Masterson, president of a small New England college and a proponent of the bill. “We predict we can increase the number of young Americans with debt by up to fifty percent in the next decade.”
Some students have voiced concerns that the program unfairly favors working- and middle-class students who cannot afford to pay tuition and are better positioned to take on unsustainable levels of debt. But experts say the program will allow Americans to accrue debt regardless of economic background.
“Wow! I was afraid I would have to apply to all these different scholarships and work hard to get my debt,” said incoming freshman Curt Roswell. “But thanks to this bill, I can get all my debt for free without wasting countless hours in the classroom.”
The measure was strongly supported by college faculty nationwide, and is expected to have the added benefits of reducing classroom size while increasing salaries and research money for tenured professors.
“Unfortunately, most of our customers will die before they can pay off their debt in full,” said Masterson. “Luckily, we’re willing to work with them to ensure that their debt stays in their family for generations to come.”