‘Here Looks Like Good Spot to Make a Mess,’ Decides Everything Bagel

"Here Looks Like Good Spot to Make a Mess," Decides Everything Bagel

Determining that one location was as good as another to strew its seeds about like a slob, an everything bagel decided that right here was a good place to make a complete and utter mess.

“Yeah, this spot looks prime for the mucking,” said the bagel, tossing its sesame and caraway seeds around with wanton disregard. “Maybe this table was clean before I got here, maybe it wasn’t. I don’t really care.”

The ring of dough, which says it prefers to be accompanied with a croissant or powdered donut in order to maximize its expanse of filth, says your countertops, kitchen floor, or new white shirt all look like ideal locations to shower with bits of poppy seeds and garlic.

“Oh, did you just clean right there? Because I’m about to plaster it with onion flakes and salt,” said the bagel. “Yeah. I’m not holding anything back. I’m about to make that coffee table my bitch.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with him,” complained one hungry homeowner. “Every time I clean he just comes gallivanting in here and tosses his toppings all over like he owns the place.”

At press time, the everything bagel was sent to a farm where its seeds could be put to more productive use sowing the land.